Stories from last month part 1: the bad FAA passenger and stupid things I do.

5-12-12

I'm sitting in the window of the Starbucks that is a block away from the other Starbucks that is the original Starbucks.  I've been trying to think of a way to get my stories up in a timely manner while still getting sleep and trying to write in a reasonably comprehensive style.  I've never thought of myself as a very good writer, and because I think this way, it feels like work to me.  I wonder if there's a good place to watch the sunset.  I'll bet people watch it down the street on that grassy area where you can see the freeway and the piers.  La la la...

There have been a slew of interesting things that have been getting backlogged due to my feelings of writing inadequacy.  Now I have a great layover and nobody to meet up with and I've gotten to explore a bit, so I'm writing.  Finally.

Here are a few exciting things that have happened.

So, when things go wrong, we flight attendants write reports. There's a common saying among stewies, and that is that a disdain for writing reports is one of the things that attracted us to the stewardess profession.  But when bad things happen, we write reports about them.  They are legally binding documents, so we've gotta be thorough and honest. When something malfunctions or when someone gets sick or hurt, we write reports. Another example would be if a passenger does something they're not supposed to (and a fa finds out about it).  The airline or the FAA can decide to pursue legal action after your flight.  Sometimes cops or medical personnel or both will be waiting when you land. Usually things aren't that bad.

In a specific incident that occurred a few weeks ago, the person who did something they weren't supposed to do on my flight was actually employed by the FAA. (Federal Aviation Administration--They're the ones who make all the regulations that people and airlines love to/have to follow).  So, on my airplane, mister FAA was TRYING to use his powers for evil.  Long story short, he was sneaky trying to steal drinks.  He was caught twice.  At one point, I gave him a stern talking to which included me saying something along the lines of, get this...

"Look, here. You may work for the FAA, but you have NO IDEA what goes on in an airplane!"  (With a stern hand gripping his 30-something, tall FAA manshoulder.)

Followed by an apology from him, and promises not to do it again.  I responded with something to the extent of, "If you do try ANYTHING again, this will be escalated and you will be speaking with law when you get off this plane."

*Let my interrupt this story that illustrates how totally kick-ass awesome I am to mention some of the really stupid shit I've done so far on this job.*

1. I talked shit RIGHT BEHIND a passenger's back and had to backpedal/kiss his butt (in this case, that meant convincing him that I was only talking about him because I thought he was totally attractive  and pouring free drinks down his gullet) to make up for it.
2. I opened an overhead bin to and dropped a small item (headphones) on the head of a sleeping man holding a sleeping infant, who immediately woke up startled.  Luckily, it only bounced off his head and didn't hit the baby in his soft spot, or whatever. Anyway, I did this TWICE on one flight. Whoops!  There it is!
3. Spilled numerous drinks on the khaki and denim crotches of passengers (mostly men) and the white cotton sleeves of others (mostly women).  It's kind of funny when someone asks for a glass of milk (ew) and it gets spilled on black pants.  I haven't spilled a whole drink (yet--knock, knock).  Just a little drip here and there.
4. Farted in the galley on the last day of a 4-day trip. The pressure up there causes bloating and it's not too unusual for flight attendants to do this.  The galley is where we flight attendants mostly hang out when nothing else is going on, so usually we leave the galley to distribute it throughout the cabin in a process referred to as "crop dusting."  Sometimes I will let a little one out in the galley if people are entering and exiting the restroom (which is right next to the galley) and I feel that the other people in the galley will think the smell is coming from the person exiting the lavatory, and that the person in the lavatory will think it's someone in line for the bathroom.  I'm certain I've never been seriously suspected.  But in this particular instance there was nobody else in the galley except me and I thought I had at least another minute before the other flight attendant (who was cool, but we hadn't totally clicked BFF style) came out of the lavatory, so I popped out a super tiny one.  BUT!!! It turned out super potent (which is totally uncharacteristic of me). Suddenly, she came out of the lavatory (early--can you believe it?) before I could waft it away.  I didn't look directly at her and instead looked down the cabin toward the front of the plane with a far-away, totally not-suspicious expression.  Unfortunately, everyone knows that this is actually the MOST suspicious thing a fartmaker can do.  Through the corner of my eye I could see she was looking in my direction, though her face was a blur.  Still, I could tell that her face did not look normal.  There was a frown, and a crinkled nose, as well.  I had been found out and I had to decide on my last day working with this girl in possibly forever, how I was going to deal with it.  I guess this is actually another story of how awesome I am, because after a moment,  I turned to her and said.  "I'm sorry.  It was me." She, being a lady and a true stewardess of course pretended that I didn't know WHAT, I was talking about, so I embarrassingly explained.  Then we had a good laugh, finally bonding on our last leg of a long 4-day trip together.

THE END

XOXO
K